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The Chronicles of A Boring Person
August 2016
 
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November 15th, 2015 09:24 pm

Changing your image on Facebook to support gay rights or Paris is quite an empty gesture is it not? What does this 'gesture' really even mean? I have soo much empathy I will take 2 secs to update my profile on FB for you. Oh, and, my government will use this as an excuse to rage war and kill more people, you're welcome! And it only took me a sec to do, wow I'm feeling really good about myself right about now. I made a difference by doing absolutely nothing. In reality, what is this gesture actually translating to with regards to supporting other humans? Its certainly not going to help the dead or their grieving families. It won't stop right wing religious zealots either. Can you imagine a FB photo filter stopping the death and tragedy of the Vietnam war? I think the impact of point and click gestures and couch arm politics only increases the degradation of empathy and human connectedness. I can thumbs up and click to say 'yes' all day long and it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. This is not how change happens. By changing your image (and only doing that) it means nothing more than a head nod to those in France who are really suffering from grief and pain right now. They need physical help, mental counseling, help with logistics and monetary support. None of which comes from the facebook, twitter, youtube png update. If you really want to make a change, reach out to victims and their families and offer monetary support, grief counseling, food, clothing, help for rent. In times of tragedy, offering to help with the small minutia of living is often the greatest help, not a fucking social media image filter. When Cam died, it wasn't a vague pic that helped me, it was help from a phone call, a letter, an offer to give rides and watch pets that made the most difference. From a distance these things will seem impossible, but if you can reach the individuals through the internet and offer to arrange things for them or set up appointments for them, this will help immensely. Even if they don't take you up on these gestures, they have seen them and can acknowledge your gesture as being genuine rather than the empty 2 sec empathy that a FB image can create.

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September 14th, 2015 08:03 pm

reading 'wild'. I connected with the movie, with her abandonment and her need for aloneness. Her self distructive behavior. i'm reading the book now. and I'm crying harder than usual, like it was the first time I heard. I cry so hard I think I can will the grief to leavve me by squeeezing my lungs closed so no more air can come in to generate more sobs, more shudders, like its some poison I can purge. a poison I accidentally ingested. i feel like i'm trying to dry heave or vomit the sadness/poison out. i don''t relate the grief to cam, it is its own animal.unwelcome.ferral animal. i try to tamp it down and cage it and bury it deep underground with razor wires but it escapes and im lost again..reliving the initial horror, the smell of boiling macaroni on the stove, the epic weekend plans i had had. the mmistaken identity and sudden cold realization and worry when i realize who it is on the phone. why the hell is SHE calling me? she doesn't even have my number. the insanity of the words coming out of her mouth. i shout its a joke, its fake, its not real. i think our our last convversation..he says 'im dying' but he always thought he was dying. i think he might have accepted it, but did he too leave the house thinking he was going to be lucky and cheat death one more time as the ambulance bed lifted him away. did he say good bye to things or was he too frightened? i wasn't there. i wish i was.
im so angry that no one called me.that i wasnt there to save him yet again. i had savved him once i could havve done it again.
the crying is strong, like reverse hiccups i jerk, trying to cough out the emotion because what i feel is much too strong for mere ttears to express..tears are childs play..like a scraped knee..they on't belong with grief. a mere symptomatic expression of my body..and a poor one at that..screaming , howling ,writhing, wretching...those are better, whole body experiences of grief.
i dont think one can understand it unless they've gone through it. at my age, some havent. its not something i can will away, neatly compartmentalize...it attacks like a terrorist lying in wait.. it comes unexpected and uninvited and disruptive. It happens while boiling macaroni for a boxed dinner,it strikes when you are 10 minute minutes away from a dying grandmother's bed,it happens on a quick phone call from your mom while in the middle of your shift serving cheap steaks to the mall crowd. its the trick of the trick or treat routine.

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September 5th, 2015 03:51 am

https://youtu.be/Fi1Y5NbMk1A?t=11

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September 5th, 2015 03:33 am

The other night.
I was tipsy, as usual, and had succumbed to the usual 'British reality tv show full episode' search results on youtube.
For some unknown reason, I ventured into music on youtube..big fucking mistake. I never click on the suggested lists, but I happened to click on one such 'playlist' this night. I looked at the playlist and I was in LOVE with the 'person' who had mixed this one together. It had all of my favorite meloncholia, from the Orb to FSOL to Moufette. As I proceeded to effuse an endless stream of "soul mate" type compliments to the 'owner' of the playlust, I realized that it was in fact my OWN list. Google was my soulmate. It wasn't some dupe on the other side of the cat 5. This deepened my depression and grief. For a few brief seconds, I thought someone else in the universe also liked REM Dark Globe, FSOL, the Orb, Devotchka How it Ends and Moufette It's Okay to Cry. The internet can truly be a cruel mistress.

Current Mood: fuckoff and sad
Current Music: shitty

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June 4th, 2015 03:09 am

I have just gotten 'over' a depressive spell thinking about Cam..the death anniversary was in April. I joined a bocce ball league in hopes that some inkling of a 'hobby' would get me out of my workaholic funk. We met an older couple on the team, late 50's and they started talking about the troubles they were having with the youngest daughter who turned out to be a heroin addict. Somehow in the mix I mentioned how I had an alchoholic father yet I wasn't an alcoholic *yet*. We parted ways and then suddenly I get a phone call from a Houston # on my cell at midnight. I answered and immediately i recognied my father . cant typ to well now fingers are numb. will correct later, maybe. I havent talked to him since before I even met cam. over a decade. he told me aobut his 3rd wife dying on xmas day. i felt sad but i also told him i was very angry with him. how i ws so pissed that such a good man who never abused his kids was now dead and that he was still alive and breathing. then we hung up after a few more minutes. it wasn't a bad ending but i was in the bathroom at a friends house crying all of the sudden. i had held out some hope of anger towards him all this time for being alive while cam was dead..but hearing his voice.. im not sure why i forgive him so easily but hold on to the tiniest verbal slights . i remember shit people said to me 15yrs ago that still make me angry..but i hear his pain and i melt. but i find myself filled with sadness that i can no longer be angry at him. he was the last hold out i had for anger..can't be angry at nancy, or cam or his stupid girlfriend at the time 'megan'.now i have no placement for my anger..except where it belongs ..on cam. shouldnt be angy at all after 2 yrs right? He is dead. he doesn't care.so emotionally drained. things at work are terrible. people leaving every week..2 at a time since the last month. i have a third round interview on friday. i've never fucked up a 3rd round interview so i'm thinking i might get the job, but im not sure why i leaving, other than the long hrs of unpaid work, the stress. i left crimson because of stress then the company i went to got bought by another fucking saas company full of stress. i thought i could handle it, in the end though, fuck them . they didnt want to pay me shit w/ my promotion..an additional 5k for a promo? no way..not in austin. no bonus, shitty stock options, not that i want them anyways. am i spoiled for living in silicon desert? thought about working remotely in peru - it is the same timezone. sree and i hung out at an icehouse next to work the other day. i hope i keep him as a friend when i leave. i hope he can teach me 'automation'. fuck qa automation..they are nothing but really shitty developers. i claim backlash on the whole show. enough work. so tired. have to make a playlist for a monthly story telling show i hlpe produce.

Current Mood: downtraden

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